


The only time I feel good falling is when I'm falling fast and hard for you

by SailorHeichou



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bullying, Eren is a good friend, Friends to Lovers, High Schooler!Eren, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Levi has gone through some shit, M/M, Time Skips, college student!levi, inspired by Perks of Being a Wallflower, non-binary hanji
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-02
Updated: 2015-11-03
Packaged: 2018-04-29 12:49:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5128226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SailorHeichou/pseuds/SailorHeichou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He started out as just some random guy who sat next to him on a park bench one cloudy afternoon. The day Freshman in high school, Eren Jaeger, met college student Levi Ackerman was the day Eren's life would change forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And I've never seen anyone quite like you before

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! I'm back with another little one (might possibly turn into a two or three chaptered mini-fic) shot that I just couldn't resist writing up.  
> Halloween night I watched Perks of Being a Wallflower for the first time, with my super cute waifu, and I was just really inspired by Patrick's hardships in the movie as well as how his friendship with Charlie developed toward the end, and yeah, the movie and soundtrack overall was just fucking GREAT! 
> 
> So, there will probably be quite a few song references in this, and again **THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE MOVIE OR BOOK PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER**. It's just something I was inspired to do after watching the movie last night. Now, shut up, enjoy, and I hope people like this!

He started as just some random guy who sat next to me on a park bench one cloudy afternoon. I hadn't really been paying attention to my surroundings, preoccupied with my swelling black eye and the skin of my knuckles torn absolutely raw. 

Before I get carried away, My name is Eren Jaeger. I'm a freshmen at Maria High School, and today was my first day of high school along with my two best friends, Armin and Mikasa.  
If you're wondering why I have a black eye and why my knuckles are torn and bleeding, we'll get there, eventually. Right now, I want to talk about _Him_.

"Damn, Kid. You look like you've just seen Hell." 

Since I'm being honest with all of you, I won't deny that his soft yet commanding voice startled me out of my own darkening thoughts, pulling me back to reality and causing me to jerk in a very not-so-subtle way at all. 

"W-What...?" I turned to face my new bench companion, although the guy sitting less than two feet away from me wasn't at all what I had expected. 

For starters, his face just didn't match the voice that belonged to it. Silky smooth, a little on the deep side but not very much. The man himself, I realized, was small. Petite even. Though, I'd never say that to his face because I'd had enough beatings of my own that day. His skin was pale, almost white like rain; smooth and free of any blemishes. His hair was the inkiest of black, not the kind of black that has traces of brown or red in it but truly, utterly black as charcoal. Even the way he had it style, shorter in the back and shaved into a perfectly straight, clean undercut. Almost military, even. Then his fringe was the parts left the longest, his bangs falling just above his heavily hooded eyes with an off-center part.

The guy's feature were all sharp and perfectly sculpted, defined yet delicate in a way. The little bit of sunlight that trickled through the thick grey blanket of clouds contoured his face nicely, revealing slightly raised cheekbones and deep shadows both above and bellow his eyes. And those _eyes_... it was his eyes that really demanded your attention.

Even from behind the black-rimmed reading glasses he had perched low on the bridge of his sharp, narrow nose, pure molten silver cut straight through me like a newly sharpened blade hooded by thick black eyelashes giving him bedroom eyes. His face was beautiful, yet hard and cold. A look of perpetual indifference graced it and didn't change once in the past minute I'd been gawking at him, probably. 

He jerked his chin toward my bruised and bloodied knuckles that were fisted in my lap, staining my blue jeans a little but I couldn't find it in me to care. Although, somewhere in the back of my head, I could hear myself grumbling about how my mom would probably have a shit fit once I got home. Getting into fights was nothing new with me, but I knew my mom would be more angry about the fact that I got blood on my new jeans than anything else. Pretty glasses-guy probably noticed my swelling eye, no doubt. It was getting to the point where I couldn't even see out of it anymore. 

"Who threw the first punch?" he asked casually, like it was just an everyday question you asked all strangers you met in a park, let alone an angry high schooler who looked like he just got his ass beat. 

Looking down at my own hands, I realized just how roughed up I actually looked. Grass stains on the knees of my jeans, mixing grossly with the blood stains. My shirt probably had blood on it too, though it wasn't my own and the forest green hoodie I was wearing had probably seen better days. My converse were scuffed and the laces had come undone sometime during the day, probably. I couldn't really bring myself to care about any of that, though Pretty-glasses-guy looked a little disgusted with the state of my clothing, if the slight curl of his upper lip was anything to go by when he also gave my attire a once-over. 

I was quiet for a second or two, not sure if I really felt like telling some random guy about what happened on my first day of high school today. It wasn't as if it was really a big deal, it was 2010 for crying out loud, bullying was still a problem and probably always would be. I didn't wanna sound like another kid bitching and complaining about how his life sucked because he's such a loser. Honestly, it wasn't like today's incident at school was actually the worst story I had to tell, so I pushed on. 

"I threw the first punch, but I was doing it to protect a friend. Was getting his ass beat for being gay and I couldn't just stand by and watch, ya know?" I felt a little awkward sitting there, telling this stranger who's name I didn't even know about the situations I've always dealt with at school when it came to Marco and his open nature about his own sexuality. 

Like a switch had been flipped, when I chanced a glance back up at Pretty Glasses-guy, those previously cold grey eyes had suddenly softened and the faintest of smiles graced his face. The minor changes startled me, because at first glance, despite his obvious short stature, this guy looked like he could probably kick your ass. He may have been wearing a light grey turtle neck and wore reading glasses, but I wasn't dumb enough not to notice that the guy was obviously ripped underneath all those clothes. He could probably kick my ass too. 

"Yeah?" he'd asked, his voice suddenly laced with genuine surprise and lacking any of it's previous surliness. "That's pretty amazing, for a brat, I mean." 

I couldn't help it, I bristled at being called a 'brat'. 

"I'm in high school, I'm not a brat." I snapped, without really meaning to. I regretted it immediately, but Pretty Glasses-guy didn't seem to mind at all. 

In fact, he chuckled darkly and it sent a shiver down my spine. It had to have been a sin to have a voice that deep and smooth. 

"Still a brat to me. So, tell me what happened. I mean, don't get the wrong idea. I don't normally give a shit about listening to strangers talk about their even shittier days but this particular topic hits close to home." 

It surprised the hell out of me, that this guy wanted to hear about what happened at school today in detail. To prove he was serious, he closed the book he had open in his lap, removed the glasses from his face and placed them into the black backpack sitting next to him on the bench before he slightly turned in his seat to face me better, slinging an arm over the back of the bench. Those eyes were trained on me, and I found it hard to hold his gaze because they were just so deep and clouded in old stories of his own to tell. 

So, instead, I kept my one good eye trained on my bruised hands as I flexed my right hand in my lap repeatedly. I swallowed thickly, trying to find my voice. With a deep, shaky breath, I began. 

"Yeah, so, one of my good friends-- Marco's his name. Sweet guy, ya know? Talks to everybody, helps them study for big exams cause' he's definitely one of the smartest guys in our grade. I've known him since like middle school, and like, everybody who's friends with Marco knows that he's gay and he's very open about it. So, naturally our group of friends supports him and everything, I mean, why the fuck wouldn't we? We love him, ya know?" I paused to glance up at Pretty Glasses-guy only to find that he was silently but intently listening to me and he still had that soft look in his eyes. I swallowed again, "Yeah, and I mean, he's always been the target of bullying because of his sexuality but it was never this bad. It used to be just verbal abuse before, you know, the same old immature bullshit of guys calling him 'Fag' or 'Fairy' or some shit like that. Me and my friends always made a point to stand up for him. But today... today was different." 

A brief flashback of what happened in the cafeteria at Lunch today flashed through my mind and I felt myself getting angry all over again. The image of Jean's fucking smug face, laughing with all his jock buddies when they started throwing verbal insults Marco's way. Then when one guy actually grabbed Marco by the scruff of his sweater and slammed his face into the lunch table. The way Jean just sat there, looking shocked but doing absolutely nothing to stop it. I balled my hand into the tightest fist I could and I gritted my teeth before continuing. 

"There's this guy we know, we all know. He used to be a part of our little group in middle school, and I mean, like, yeah he's always been a fucking asshole but today it hit an all new level of asshole. He's always been a jock, played all kinds of sports and I used to play on the same Soccer team with him back in middle school but I ended up being cut because I fought too much with the guy. We've just never gotten along but, I always thought of him as a friend any way because of the way he used to stand up for our friends. He's a spoiled rich boy, honestly, and besides him everyone in our group were kind of misfits in middle school. He was Marco's best friend since before any of us even met the two of them, so like, they have history, you know?" 

Pretty Glasses-guy nodded, so I continued.

"But something happened over the summer. Marco confessed to Jean that he'd been in love with him, and he kissed him and Jean rejected him. Told him he couldn't feel that way about him because he liked my adopted sister Mikasa since forever. Marco didn't pressure him or anything, he accepted the rejection because he's just that nice of a fucking guy, but Jean stopped talking to him after that incident. Avoided Marco like the plague and Marco was fucking devastated. Nothing any of our friends did could ever really cheer him up. We could all see how miserable he was this past summer but he did his best not to let it show. Then, today was the first day of High School for all of us and Marco looked better for the first time since Summer. He looked happy, content, I guess. Everything was going good, up until Lunch." 

I had to pause again, because the events of lunch just kept playing over and over in my head making me angrier and angrier. 

"Those fucking jock assholes, they basically ambushed Marco at our lunch table and started beating the fuck out of him right in front of my friends. I hadn't gotten to our table yet, but I was making my way there when it happened. My sister Mikasa tried to jump in and stop it first, but she was held back by my best friend Armin because he knew if he let her beat up those guys, she'd end up killing them. That asshole, Jean he-- he just sat there and watched his stupid fucking teammates beat the fuck out of his best friend and he didn't bother to do shit about it and I just-- I just--... I saw red when I noticed he wasn't doing anything and I stepped in. I had to. There was no way in hell I could let them beat Marco up like that. He's such a nice guy, everybody who knows him calls him 'Freckled Jesus' because he's just so fucking great and likes to help everybody out. He didn't deserve that." 

I had started tearing up without even realizing it and I roughly started rubbing my good eye with the sleeve of my hoodie. At least I didn't try to wipe my snot as well. I kept a tiny bit of my dignity that day, at least. 

"But, yeah, that's kind of what happened. Honestly, I got off easy. The teacher who broke up the fight was a Gym teacher we'd all known since middle school, Mr. Shadis. He knew Marco was often a target of bullying, so he vouched for me in front of Principal Zackly. Said it was self-defense for the sake of another student, so all I got was a week's worth of detention but I don't even care about that. I'm still just so pissed that Marco had to go through that on his first day back, after he was doing so well, too. I mean, it's 2010 for fuck's sake! Homophobia should be, like, non-existent by now. It's not the fucking 50's anymore." 

I was rambling, I knew I was, but Pretty Glasses-guy didn't seem to mind at all. In fact, he seemed to get a good laugh out of my angry rambling. When I first heard his laugh, I was a bit worried. It started out low, a soft chuckle at best, before he just full-on laughed out loud scaring me at first. It wasn't the most attractive laugh if I'm being honest. Actually, it was a little dorky but I found that it fit him for some reason. This guy who was either always frowning, scowling or just blank in expression. Seeing him smiling and laughing to the point of tears just made me feel good. It made all the shit that happened today worth it. 

"Fuck, Kid. You're a riot, you know that?" at this point, I really wished I knew what Pretty Glasses-guy's name was so I could stop labeling him as 'Pretty Glasses-guy'. "But, you know what? I think what you did for your friend was great. And you're right, it's the 21st century, homophobia _shouldn't_ exist anymore but, just like racism will most likely always be around, Homophobia seems here to stay." there was almost a sad edge to his tone of voice, like he had a story of his own to tell but was doing his best to bury those old feelings of anger and pain. 

He turned to look at me, because apparently he had been staring down at the concrete beneath his feet without my realizing it. I was much too caught up in just staring at the enigma that was this man. It sounds corny, but I swear I could hear some song that sounded vaguely familiar playing in my head as I watched him carefully. He had that look in his eyes again, that soft, almost unguarded look. Like he was giving me a glimpse of the real person behind those mysterious eyes that held so many stories of their own. Stories I wanted to hear about; wanted to know. 

"I wish there were more people like you and your friends when I was in high school, Kid." he said it so quietly, I almost didn't hear him. But I did, and I felt a warmth spread through my chest at his words and pure genuine sincerity behind them. 

"Eren," I suddenly said without thinking. "My name is Eren. Not 'kid' or 'brat'." 

Pretty Glasses-guy smirked, and I was knew I made the right move in giving my name first. 

"I'm Levi. Nice to meet you, _Brat_."

\- -

Weeks flew by, and soon, that shitty first day of High School was nearly forgotten. I'd gone back to the park bench where I'd first met Levi a few times, but I hadn't seen him since that one fateful afternoon. I was a little disappointed at the idea of possibly never being able to meet Levi again, but I wasn't a quitter. If anything, I liked to think of myself as an optimist when it counted for it. We lived in the same city, apparently Levi either lived or attended a school somewhere in my neighborhood as well. The chances of meeting him again were very good, in my opinion. It was all about timing.

Weeks turned into months. I changed my route home from school, taking a few extra minutes to walk by the park everyday, hoping to see a familiar head of raven black hair or catch a glimpse of pale ivory skin. Soon, Fall was in full swing. Halloween came and went. My friends and I attended our first official High School party. Marco was still a little traumatized by the lunch period incident but he was recovering slowly. Our friends were all there for him, and soon we added a few more additions. Annie, Reiner and Bert joined our little gang of misfits. They were a grade older than us, but they mixed right into our group with no trouble at all. Annie was on the girl's volley ball team with Mikasa, they became quick friends and even became lovers even quicker. Nobody was really all that surprised. 

Reiner was on the football team, and while most of our group was weary of jocks due to that incident on the first day, Reiner was surprisingly gay and very open about it as well. That put all of our worries at rest, especially when we learned that he had a boyfriend, Bert, a member of the basketball team. With Reiner, Bert and Annie hanging with our group, the senior jocks messed with Marco less and less. And for this, we were all grateful. Especially me. 

Christmas passed, our group played Secret Santa. It was great. Marco even met someone. His name was Samuel, a Sophomore band member. Samuel wasn't really anything special in my opinion, and honestly I didn't see what Marco saw in him, but I guess I was just happy that Marco could forget about Jean. Even if Samuel was the one to help him do it. Winter Break was fantastic. I spent most of my time walking to the park, pretending to jog at first and then actually taking up jogging as a hobby. It helped with my anger issues as well, helped me clear my mind. Jogging turned to running, and running turned into me training to try out for the Soccer team next year. I hadn't took up the sport since I got cut in middle school for fighting, but now I was little more confident that I could control my anger. I needed something to distract me from my buzzing thoughts, and from obsessing over _Him_. 

Before I knew it, it was Spring. Valentines Day was right around the corner and everyone in my grade was stressing over exams. Especially me. Armin was trying to help me study, as usual. But it just wasn't helping. I'd accepted the fact that I wasn't exactly book smart a long time ago. I was more into getting out into the world and using my body to do something. Mikasa likes to joke that maybe I should become a stripper if I liked 'using' my body so much, to which I casually started discussing the real possibilities behind that option. It only earned my a smack on the shoulder by Armin. Still, it didn't stop my dad from trying to pressure me into trying to get into a good Medical School and become a Doctor like him. My mom seemed to agree. I didn't. 

It figures that when I least expected it to happen, I met Levi again. Since taking up jogging and running at the park, I felt better. I stopped looking for any little reason to get into fights at school and as Armin put it, I was more "mellow" now. I had to agree. It was early on a saturday morning, I had just finished running five laps around the park when I had to stop and rest for a minute or two. That was when I saw it. That familiar head of dark hair, blacker than black and skin as pale as porcelain. 

It was still a little chilly outside, the last remnant of Winter still lingering. Levi was wearing a black turtle neck this time, with black denim jeans and black ankle boots. He looked like a cliche right out of some indie movie. He had a cigarette balanced delicately between his index and middle finger, reading glasses perched on the bridge of his nose, paperback book laying open in the other hand and his black backpack close at his side. I couldn't help it, I smiled and jogged up to him. 

"Hey," was my not-so-smooth greeting. I was sweaty and out of breath from having just finished five laps, so I obviously sounded winded but that's not something I could really control at the moment. Cool silver eyes shifted upward to look at me and I felt my stomach erupt in butterflies. I probably had a goofy smile on my face. "Been awhile, yeah?" 

Feeling a little self-conscious, wearing a former long-sleeved hooded sweatshirt with the sleeves torn off and a pair of dark sweatpants, I awkwardly ran a hand through my sweaty bangs and cleared my throat. I just couldn't help but fidget in place with Levi's cool gaze on me like that. 

"Do I know you?" he drawled, a thin eyebrow raised in obvious question. 

I felt my heart (and my stomach) sink a little at his question, my face immediately heating up in embarrassment. I tried to blame it on the fact that I had just been running like a madman but, who the fuck was I trying to fool? Surely, not myself. I was more than a little mortified to say the least. 

"Oh, uh, sorry-- I just thought, you know, since we, like, talked last time? But, um, yeah-- that was kind of... months ago, of course you wouldn't remember some kid." I was rambling again, damn it. I hated when I did that, but I couldn't fucking help it! I just wanted to run and get out of there. I'd spent the past few months obsessing over this guy I met once in a park after I got into a fight, thinking maybe that meeting meant something but apparently I couldn't have been more wrong. I wanted to die, right in that moment. "Uh, you know what? I'm just gonna go, sorry to bother you." 

I was getting ready to run as far away as possible, maybe run all the way back to my house and maybe try to suffocate myself with a pillow as soon as I got there. At least, that's what I had planned as I turned to start literally running away. 

"Eren, I'm just fucking with you. Of course I remember, brat." 

It was a little embarrassing, how quickly my heart recovered from that not-so-minor scare just a few seconds ago. Soon, it was back to doing front and back flips at Levi's words. He remembered me. He actually remembered me. Some High School kid who vented to him about getting into a fight all those months ago. He remembered my name. The relief must have shown on my face when I turned back to face him, because Levi chuckled and put his book away, snuffing out his cigarette on the underside of the bench while he was at it. 

"Oh, uhh, seriously?" I know that sounded dumb but it was the only thing my mouth could say because I'M A FUCKING IDIOT. 

"Yes," Levi snorted. "How could I ever forget? I have to admit, I almost didn't recognize you without the swollen black eye and bruises. I like this version of you better. I can see both of your eyes." he said it with a crooked little smirk, and I couldn't help it. I blushed like some japanese school girl in a shoujo manga. 

"Yeah, I guess." I chuckled nervously. "Um, I would sit but..." I gestured to myself vaguely. "I'm kind of gross right now." 

"Good choice." Levi hummed. "I can't stand the smell of sweat." 

"I kind of figured that." 

Crossing his arms over his chest, Levi briefly looked me up and down and I felt myself getting self-conscious again. I probably looked so gross right now. No doubt, I had sweat stains around the collar of my sweat shirt and underneath my pits. Yet, Levi was sitting there looking all fresh and enigmatic and mysterious. 

"So, how's life been treatin' ya, kid? Surviving your first year of High School?" 

Instead of sitting next to Levi on the bench, I opted for sitting on the concrete which was a little cold against my ass but I didn't mind. Levi seemed less than pleased by my action and even scowled down at me. 

"Don't fucking sit on the ground, that's disgusting." 

"So? I'm already disgusting and so are these clothes. I'm taking a shower as soon as I get home anyway, so no harm done." I shrugged with a grin. Levi only sucked his teeth making me smile wider. "But to answer your question, yeah, I guess I'm doin' alright. Haven't gotten into... many fights since that one on the first day. Met some new friends, spent the holidays going to high school parties with everyone. Nothing really special." 

Levi nodded, "What about your friend? Marco, right? How's he doing?" 

I was a little surprised that Levi remembered so much from our first conversation, literally last year. It was 2011, and he recalled my friend Marco's name including mine. I was a bit giddy to know this. 

"He's doing great!" I couldn't help but grin widely. "It took him awhile to get back to normal after the thing that happened on the first day, but luckily with some help from some of our new friends, Marco hasn't been bullied nearly as badly as the first time and he even has a new boyfriend that he's been with since Christmas. Personally, his new boyfriend is kinda boring but I think I'd prefer boring over abusive or a jerk." 

Levi seemed pleased to hear this, if the faint little smile stretching his thin lips was anything to go by. 

"Sounds like things are turning out pretty good for your friend. I'm glad he met a boring as fuck guy who treats him well." 

"Yeah, me too. Although, I think Marco deserves better. The best, actually." I fiddled with a few strands of grass pushing out from a crack in the cement. 

"Sounds like you've got the hots for your little friend." Levi commented. 

"What?" I laughed. "Nah, it's not like that. Marco is just a really nice guy, you know? Nice guys like Marco who go out of their way for other people deserve good things to happen to them. That's why I get so pissed off whenever someone tries to pick on him, not just him but any of my friends. They're all great in their own way and I'd probably be nowhere without all of them." I meant every word of that, truly from the bottom of my heart. I wanted to protect them, just the way I knew they'd do for me. How they have done for me. 

"You're a good kid, Eren." 

I looked up, just in time to catch Levi staring at me, that soft look in his eyes, much like the first time we talked on this bench before he quickly averted his gaze somewhere else. We fell into a companionable silence for a bit, just soaking in the quiet. That was when I decided to take a chance and ask Levi something I'd been curious about since we met. 

"Hey, Levi. Do you attend a local college around here or something?" 

He seemed a little surprised by my question, but nodded nonetheless. 

"Yeah, I'm a freshmen at Trost U." 

"Seriously? That's literally a couple blocks from my high school." He'd been that close all this time. Just a couple of blocks away. So close, but I was right about it being about the right timing. 

"Why do you ask?" he questioned a little suspiciously. 

I was smiling so widely, it actually hurt my face. "No reason. Just curious." 

"Okay, Curious kitty. If you get to ask a random personal question, I get to ask one too. What's with the jogging get up?" 

Briefly, I looked down at myself before answering. "Oh, yeah, well, my therapist thinks I need to apply myself in more physical hobbies to help exert all my excessive energy. She thinks that why I'm always looking to get into a fight at school, too much pent up energy that I have no idea what to do with. So, I started jogging and then running to help myself train. I'm going to try out for the Soccer team next year." 

Levi seemed pleased with that answer, "Thought you hated jocks?" 

"I do. Doesn't mean I can't play sports and just because I play sports doesn't make me a jock. Labels are stupid anyway." I reasoned with a smirk. 

A snort from Levi and an eye roll, "You're such a fucking hypocrite." 

"Isn't everybody?" 

"Touche." 

And that was how Levi became a constant presence in my life. We talked for a while longer, until Levi had to go to his first morning class of the day. We didn't agree to meet up again, didn't try to exchange phone numbers or ask for friend requests on social networking sites. As much as I would like to talk to Levi whenever I wanted to, I felt like that would take away from the magic of this whole situation. I liked the idea of just randomly running into him, when I least expected to. It was the same feeling kids get on Christmas morning, when they don't know what presents they're going to get. Levi was like Christmas morning to me.


	2. No, I've never met anyone quite like you before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren's Sophomore year gets pretty interesting.

My Sophomore year of High School started much differently than my Freshmen year. Honestly, I was a little surprised. Not only was I surprised but so were my friends. My sophomore year of high school started with me making the cut for the Maria High School Soccer team. Everyone was happy for me, they all knew I needed some kind of activity in my life to keep me focused and out of trouble. Beside the fact that I had to be on the same team as that fucking asshole Jean, playing Soccer with the rest of the guys was alright. I still got shit for getting into a fight with some of the seniors last year, but luckily, those jerk-offs had graduated and I was able to tolerate most of my senior teammates. 

"Nice shot, Jaeger!" one of the seniors called out to me as we passed on the field. 

It felt good, playing with a team, getting all fired up about something again and channeling all my anger and frustration into the game. Really, it didn't have to just be soccer. I think I would have been okay with any sport. But I'd been playing Soccer the longest and honestly, I wasn't that tall to be able to be much of a threat in Basketball, nor was I built enough to cut it in football. Soccer really was the only option for me at that time. It was mindless running back and forth much like basketball, aggressive playing like in football, not that the girl's volley ball team or soccer team wasn't just as aggressive or terrifying. I'm sure any girl on those two teams could kick my ass or any guys for that matter. They were tough.

After practice, my body ached in the best way and I was always pleasantly drained. I had definitely mellowed out since last year, but that didn't mean I still didn't get into my fair share of scuffles and fights. These days though, it was just my competitive side and my pride getting the better of me on the field. I had some close calls, but I was able to get a good handle on my anger before it flew off the handle. 

And I still thought of Levi. Very often. Everyday, actually. We hadn't met again after that second time, and it felt horrible to go so long without talking to him. I had so much to tell him, so much to ask him, too. I still went jogging or running at the park almost every morning, but I was okay with waiting for another unexpected meeting. I anticipated it. It was a good feeling to have every morning when I woke up, wondering if I'd see Levi again today. Would he recognize me? Had I changed at all? What if _he's_ changed? How has he changed? So many questions that ran through my mind all day, everyday. It seemed my obsession over him was only growing. I wanted to know more. 

Armin and Mikasa noticed my distraction more than I did, asking me if I was coming down with something or if I was sick. In my head I'd say _'Yeah, lovesickness.'_ but out loud I would only make a noncommittal noise and shrug. I'd officially become a "jock", according to Connie and Sasha. I'd received my Maria High School Letterman jacket, and while I hated being labeled as a jock, I still wore my Letterman jacket. 

 

It was halfway into my sophomore year when I finally met Levi again, for the first time in just over a year. It felt like such a long time ago that I'd seen his pale face and those stormy grey eyes, his inky black hair. Seeing him sitting on that familiar bench at the park, sans glasses but still with an open notebook in his lap, a pen scribbling away at a page. Smiling, I shoved my hands into the pocket of my Letterman jacket and approached him with a new confidence I didn't have the first couple of times I met him. I really had changed without even realizing it. 

"Hey," I greeted, this time without all the labored breathing and sweat. "Hope you haven't really forgotten me this time." 

This time, when Levi looked up from his notebook, I could see the very obvious bags under his eyes. They darkened the already dark circles that were there and he just looked tired overall. College must have really been taking a toll on him. Cool grey eyes studied my face for a minute or two before realization seemed to hit him and there was a certain light that filled those formerly clouded eyes. 

"Eren?" he asked, sounding almost uncertain of himself. "Holy fuck, is that really you, Kid? Shit. Look at you, wearing a Letterman jacket. A real team player now, huh?" he snapped the notebook in front of him shut and put it away into the safety of his black backpack. Now, I had his full attention. 

I sheepishly rubbed the back of my head, feeling my hair tickle the back of my hand a bit. I really needed to remind myself to get a haircut soon. It felt strange, standing in front of Levi wearing my Letterman jacket and just picking up where we left off a year ago, the last time we talked. 

"Yeah, right. Don't get the wrong idea. Just because I'm wearing my Letterman jacket, doesn't make me an official jock now or anything. I still hate those guys." I took a seat on the opposite end of the bench, turning slightly to face Levi, my hands still shoved deep into my pockets. "So, how's life?" I decided to be the first one to ask this time. 

Levi snorted softly through his nose, rummaging a hand through the pocket of his skinny jeans and pulling out a cigarette. He balanced it between thin, pale lips and searched for his lighter. His eyes flicked back over to me, and as if he just thought of it, snapped to ask me something. 

"Ah, fuck, sorry. Do you mind if I smoke?" 

I simply shrugged my shoulders, "Go for it. Doesn't bother me." 

He nodded his head, "I'll try to keep the smoke downwind. Second-hand smoke and all that shit, you know?" He flicked the lighter expertly and lit up the cancerous stick and took a deep, long drag. Keeping to his word, he blew the smoke away from me and held the cigarette away from the both of us. He crossed one arm over his chest, tucking it underneath his other arm before returning his full attention back to me and smirking. "Life's been pretty shitty, thanks for asking." 

"School?" I asked, suddenly feeling unsure of myself for some reason. Damn, and I thought I was doing so well, too. 

"School. Work. Shitty boyfriends. The usual crap." he admitted. 

"Oh," was all I could say at first because I was actually surprised to hear that Levi was gay. Or maybe I was more surprised to hear that he had a boyfriend. That would explain the sinking feeling I had in my gut at that moment. "Sorry. That is pretty shitty." 

"Hn," was Levi's grunted reply. "You look like you're doing pretty well for yourself though. I bet the girls are all over you now that you've got that fancy Letterman jacket." 

I let out a dry, humorless laugh. "How about avoiding me like the plague?" I answered, though that wasn't what I had meant to say. I quickly tried to recover. "I mean, I'm not really interested in girls. But I'm not really interested in guys either. I don't know. It's complicated." I shrugged. "Besides, I don't think anybody is interested in me that way at all. I get into way too many fights so most people tend to avoid me."

"Are you shitting me, brat? You're totally gorgeous. I'm sure there's probably tons of people trying to suck your dick and you're just too oblivious to notice them." Levi rolled his eyes. I blushed a bit at his blunt words. I'd never met anyone who said _exactly_ what was on their mind, all of the time. No filters. "Me? I'm as gay as they come. Been into dicks since I first discovered my own." 

I chuckled a little at that, "Yeah? Well, I think you're wrong. I'm just an angry soccer player and that's not what I'd consider attractive. Plus, I'm no David Beckham or anything." 

"Fuck Beckham. I mean, yeah, he's hot or whatever but you've got those fucking weird eyes of yours. I mean weird in the best possible way." Levi was just about done with his cigarette by now. 

"What are you even talking about? My eyes are just... normal?" I asked, giving him a strange look. 

Levi sighed, snuffing his cigarette out and flicking it away before turning in his seat to fully face me, an exasperated expression on his already tired face. 

"Eren, do you not own a fucking mirror or something? You've got the weirdest, most amazing pair of eyeballs I've ever seen. And I'd like to think I've seen my fair share of nice eyeballs." 

I turned in my seat to face him as well, and soon we were just facing each other. 

"I still don't know what you mean. My eyes are just like anybody else's. I mean, I've been told they change colors from time to time but like, it's not like that's uncommon or anything." 

"No. They're fucking not. I don't think I've ever seen anybody with your eye color before, Eren. That color shouldn't even fucking exist in the real world. Just like in japanese anime or some shit. Sometimes they're more green, sometimes they're more blue, sometimes I swear they're fucking gold. In what way is that normal and just like anybody else's? I don't know what kind of people you've met, but as far as I know, I've never met anyone with turquoise colored eyes before, Eren. And I've met a lot of people in my twenty years of life." 

"But--" 

"Shut the fuck up. If you try to deny how truly unique your eyes are again, I'm gonna kick your ass. So, just... shut up." 

I groaned with an eye roll of my own, "Fine, whatever. But I still don't see why that makes me more attractive than David Beckham." 

"That's only one of many things, Kid. You really don't know just how gorgeous you are." 

I felt my heart swell and my stomach erupt with butterflies again. I wanted to tell Levi that he was the gorgeous one, but that would be weird. Especially since I learned that he's in a relationship. No, that would definitely be too weird and I didn't want to risk the relationship we'd developed until now. 

"You're crazy." I mumbled before finally turning away to sit properly in my seat. My heart was a mess. "So, you listened to me vent about my problems during freshmen year of high school. I'll return the favor and listen to you vent about your problems." 

Levi gave me a skeptical look, now he was just downright sitting with both legs crossed underneath him, both hands in his lap. I had belatedly noticed that he was wearing a long sleeved knit sweater, definitely two or three sizes too big for him as it slightly slipped off his right shoulder and revealed the black muscle shirt he had underneath. He was wearing torn black skinny jeans and lace up converse, hi-tops. This was probably the most casual outfit I'd ever seen him wear, but then a thought crossed my mind that made my stomach burn with jealousy. Jealousy that I had absolutely no right to feel. That sweater probably belonged to his boyfriend. It had to have been his boyfriend's sweater. There was just no doubt about it. That thought just didn't sit well with me, at all. And I hated it. 

"You sure you really wanna hear my bitching and complaining? It's all mostly boring adult shit a kid like you wouldn't care about." 

I fixed him with an unimpressed look, "Levi. Just fucking tell me. I'm not going to waste time arguing about you calling me a kid again. I've learned my lesson." 

"Oh ho. So, the young grasshopper has finally figured out the Master now has he?" 

"Levi," I warned. "You're stalling. Fucking tell me." 

"Tch, fine. But don't say I didn't warn you." He ran a hand through the back of his undercut, rubbing at it for a few seconds before he finally took a deep breath to speak. "So, I'm not exactly the richest guy or anything, don't have parents to help pay for college or anything so I work like a madman whenever I'm not fucking studying myself into a coma. My two closest friends know I work my ass off so I don't have time to go to big college parties and get pissed, but my boyfriend just doesn't seem to fucking get it. Guess that's what I get for dating a spoiled rich boy." There were familiar traces of anger in Levi's voice, something I recognized immediately. 

My stomach still twisted and churned uncomfortably while listening to Levi talk about his boyfriend, but I swallowed my ridiculous jealousy and pushed forward. 

"Go on," I sang. Levi only rolled his eyes again. 

"So, lately, he's just been giving me a lot of shit. Telling me that I don't spend enough time with him, we don't fuck as much as we used to, I'm always tired and in a bad mood but it's not like that's something new. I'm always in a bad mood." he joked. His grey eyes shifted upward to mind and he stared for a second or two before looking away and mumbling, "Well, maybe not _always_." 

I didn't really get what the hell that was supposed to mean, but I didn't say anything about it, not wanting to seem like the dumb kid Levi assumed I would be. I really did want to help Levi, even if it was just letting him vent and get things off his chest. I know there really wasn't much someone like me could do for someone like him. But I still wanted to try. 

"Sounds like a jerk, but continue." I kept my eyes trained on his face, letting him know that he truly had my full attention. 

Levi kept his gaze elsewhere, and he seemed to fidget a bit. "Yeah, but anyway, it'll probably sound shitty when I say this but the truth is, I don't even love the guy anymore. I haven't for a really long time. I've known him since my freshmen year in high school, and I was madly in love with him back them but now... now, I don't even fucking know anymore. I think I'm in love with someone else because I always think about them, even when I'm with my current boyfriend. I just can't bring myself to break it off with him though because I've wanted this relationship since I was fourteen. Now that I actually have it, someone more amazing comes along and ruins everything and now I can't even tell my boyfriend 'I love you' without feeling guilty because I know I don't mean it." 

I couldn't help it, my mouth shot off before my brain could catch up with it. 

"But Levi, that's-- that's not fair to you, or him. You need to break up, even if it's hard." I must have sounded like a child, trying to simplify something very complicated but I didn't care. That was just the way I viewed things. 

Levi laughed-- actually laughed until he was curled forward clutching his stomach. I didn't really know what was so funny about what I'd said, because I was serious about the whole thing, but I was more than glad to see Levi laughing again. I hadn't heard that laugh in so long, it was pure music to my ears. 

"Jesus fucking christ, Kid. I know I've said it before but I'll say it again, you're a fucking riot." 

"Um, thanks? I think." I chuckled. 

"I like you, Eren. I really do." I won't deny that my heart definitely skipped a beat when Levi said those words, a gentle and open look on his face that took my breath away. "Whoever ends up dating you is really lucky." and then my heart sank just as fast. I should have known that it was a hopeless cause, thinking that Levi could mean that he liked me in any other way but as a friend. Still, it hurt. I was experiencing my first heartbreak and it felt like dying. 

"I like you too, Levi. I've never met anyone like you before." and I meant it. I'd never met someone so amazing. Someone who spoke their mind and didn't give a shit about the consequences. Another misfit, just like me. But when I told him I liked him, I definitely meant it in a different way. But Levi didn't have to know that. It was a secret I'd keep with me until the day I died, and Levi would never know. He didn't need to. He had someone he loved, and it could never be me. 

"Thanks for listening to me bitch about my problems, Kid. You're alright." Suddenly, Levi swooped across my lap and I felt his lips on mine. They were so warm, so soft, and I could smell the cloves from his cigarette and hints of lavender all over him, enveloping me. I would probably always associate the odd smell with him now. When he pulled back, he hovered over me for awhile, our faces mere centimeters apart. My eyes were closed, I didn't remember closing them. And then he said, "In case we don't end up seeing each other again for another year." in the quietest voice I'd ever heard him use. A voice I could imagine listening to in the darkness, whispering anything and everything to me. 

When I opened my eyes again, Levi was already standing up, his black backpack slung over his shoulder. I watched him in silence as he walked away from me. Watched as his back got smaller and smaller, until he was nothing more than a blurry figure off in the distance. 

My emotions were in a tizzy. I was happy, I was sad, I was angry, I was content. But most of all, I was heartbroken. I had only just accepted the fact that I was possibly in love with Levi, a guy I barely even knew and had only talked to a total of two times since I met him but now, after this conversation, after that kiss-- there was no way I could deny it. I was hopelessly in love with Levi, and there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn't pursue him, he was worlds away from me. The most I could do, was just try to get over this, but somewhere deep inside myself, I knew I never would be able to. 

People always say that your first love is never a good experience, and that first love doesn't last. I found their opinions to be wrong. None of them had ever been in love with Levi, none of them had ever sat down and talked with him for hours and none of them had ever seen the way his eyes expressed everything his face never dared show. Levi was my first love, and it would definitely last. That was I was sure of. From now on, no one would ever be able to live up to the expectations I've set for myself. No one would ever compare, and I just knew I'd always compare them to Levi. I compared everything to Levi. 

I walked home that evening in what felt like a haze. The world around me seemed muted and blurred out. I felt like I was walking in slow motion and the world around me was just zooming by. I kept chewing my lips, even though I'd broken the skin on my bottom lip and it started to bleed. I didn't feel the sting, nor did I register the taste of blood on my tongue. When I got home, I seemed to be on autopilot. 

My mother hugged me upon arriving home, kissed my forehead and pushed me upstairs, telling me to wash up for dinner. I did as I was told, though I don't remember doing any of it. I sat at the table with my mother, my father and my adopted sister Mikasa. We had a nice dinner. We always have a nice dinner. I sat in the living room with Mikasa and my dad while we watched some television show. My dad lectured me about getting into medical school again. At ten o' clock, I walked up the stairs, took a right and locked myself in my room. 

Flopping down face first onto my bed, I buried my face into the pillows and just lied there. The silence in my room rang in my ears but I just couldn't find the motivation to get up and put on music or some type of noise to drown out the ringing silence. I just wanted to sleep. Sleep until the ache in my chest went away, if it ever did. My head was filled with Levi and his scent haunted my skin, even though I'd changed into new clean clothes. Cloves and Lavender. That odd mixture, I found comfort in it, even though at the same time it was torture. 

I wondered briefly if this was anything like what Marco had to go through with Jean that one summer before freshmen year. I wanted to talk to Marco, ask him questions. But I didn't. Marco was finally happy, he was doing so much better, and I didn't want to be the reason if he got depressed again. I especially didn't want to talk about Jean. So, instead, I slept. Hoping, praying, that this pain would somehow just go away in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listened to Asleep by The Smiths on repeat while writing the last bit of this chapter. I feel like it definitely represents what Eren is feeling accurately. Such a good song. 
> 
> No worries, my cute little readers, this is definitely not how things between Levi and Eren end. There are about two more chapters that I have planned, although there may or may not be a lot of Levi in the next chapter. Like I said, I'm really just winging this.


	3. Please don't let me hit the ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren's Junior year gets... interesting.

My Junior year started out with nothing special. By now, I had long since gotten used to the ebb and flow of High School. Honestly, I was so over it. Freshmen year seemed so far away now. I was no longer that angry, scared fourteen-year-old. Now, I was a confused sixteen soon to be seventeen-year-old who was just trying to get through his Junior year of high school so I could become a senior, graduate, and never have to deal with any of these people ever again. 

Since freshmen year, our little group of misfits had somewhat drifted apart. It was bound to happen, and I guess it wasn't really all that surprising. Connie and Sasha stuck together like glue, obviously, but Sasha had found haven with the home ec. kids and Connie had joined Band. He went to band camp during the summers now. Annie, Reiner and Bert still stuck together but they were seniors now and were too preoccupied with college applications to hang out with the rest of us all the time. We still had fun whenever we did get to see them, which was still pretty often considering Mikasa and Annie were attached at the hip and wherever Annie went, Reiner and Bert weren't too far behind. 

Armin was in mathletes and went to competitions with his team. He was also on the debate team and part of some student body committee. More often than not, he was always busy doing something. Marco was still with Samuel, but he'd joined Armin with debate team which was ironic, really, considering Marco was the last person anyone expected to join the debate team. He never liked to debate anything, always choosing to be the mediator instead. 

Mikasa and I had our hands full with our own sports clubs. Her with both volley ball and judo, and me with Soccer. Our team almost won a championship last year, we fell short in the semi-finals when Jean injured his foot and I got benched for getting into several fights with both the reffs and the members from the opposing team. I was more determined than ever to get my team to a championship this year, but I was only so involved with my team because I was still trying my hardest to get over Levi. I hadn't seen him since that last time at the park, when he kissed me. Although it had been more than a year since that day, I still remember the sensation of his lips vividly. 

It wasn't like I was avoiding him or anything. I still went to the park almost every day, I still jogged and ran and I still looked for him on the bench. I guess it was more like Levi who was avoiding me. I was finding it really hard to believe that we both just couldn't get the timing right this time. He went to school just a couple of blocks from my school, I could literally just walk there and I'd probably have a better chance of seeing him once I was on his campus. But I wouldn't do that, because I may be many things, but a stalker was not one of them. I was fine waiting. I just hoped there would be another chance to meet Levi again, because even though I'd long accepted the fact that we'd never be together, I still wanted to be his friend. I still liked talking to him. Even if that was the only sort of relationship I could ever have with him. It was enough. 

Since that day, however, I'd started dating like a normal person. Though, my relationships thus far have all been total disasters. Just as I'd feared, I just couldn't help but compare everyone I dated to Levi in some way or form. My first relationship was with a girl named Mina Carolina. She was sweet and the perfect example of the girl next door, but our relationship lasted three months before we eventually broke up. She said I didn't make the effort, and she was probably right. My second relationship was with a guy named Thomas. Again, he was sweet and really nice, but I just couldn't bring myself to fake my feelings. We broke up in just under two months. And then, the worst relationship I had was probably Mylius. That one was purely physical. I wouldn't count myself as a guy who's very experienced when it came to sex. I never really cared about it much before. Mylius changed that very quickly. We lasted one month before we both just kind of decided it was over. At least it was my cleanest break up that year. 

I started going to a lot of parties in my junior year. Being a member of the soccer team meant having to be present at all the major high school parties, drinking even when I didn't feel like it, and trying some drugs I probably never would have tried had I not been with my team and with my friends instead. I was turning into the definition of a classic douche bag jock. I lived for soccer, spent most if not all of my time practicing and obsessing over soccer. I pushed myself to train harder and harder, and in turn I got into plenty of fights. My parents weren't helping matters either. 

My dad and I argued constantly. With Senior year coming up, I had to start focusing on what college I wanted to attend and my dad wouldn't stop hounding me about medical school. My constant partying wasn't helping either. Sometimes, I was too hungover and was miserable the next morning in class. I started sleeping through my classes, getting detention for being a 'disruption', whatever the fuck that meant? My grades dropped dangerously low and I was barely passing. All in all, I was a fucking mess. 

I hated what I'd become in my junior year. All of my friends seemed to be moving on with their lives, planning their futures and there I was, getting left behind because I'd gotten my heart broken once and suddenly nothing was worth it anymore. I didn't see the point in trying when I saw no hope for myself. If I was lucky, I'd be able to get into college on a sports scholarship. That was really what I was riding all my hopes on. My mom expressed her worry for me, by yelling and lecturing me, which only served to stress me out even more. I know my parents meant well, I know that they just wanted what was best for me. Eventually, my friends started to worry about me, but in typical Eren fashion, I slapped on a fake grin and acted like I was fine. I could tell no one was buying it, but no one tried to push the topic further. 

Then it happened. All the hard work paid off. Maria High School's Soccer team finally won the championship, and we all partied like it was 1999. The win was apparently a huge deal, not just to our school but to the entire county it seemed. The celebration party was absolutely insane. There were high school students, college students and people who probably didn't even know what the fuck the party was for there, drinking, getting high, having sex and just letting loose. 

I'd been to my fair share of high school parties by now that I was no longer fazed by any of the blatant displays of people humping each other and making out in front of me. Some guy was smoking a joint next to me and I could feel my head getting clouded from the fumes. I'd tried weed when I was a freshmen and hated it. So, I made it a point to never do it again. I'd tried ecstasy, drank things I didn't even know what was in it, and it was all overrated. For once, I was probably the only sober person at the party. Even Mikasa and Armin were drunk, and that was a rare sight indeed. Everyone kept congratulating me as I mingled with the crowd, some I knew from school, some I didn't know at all. I simply smiled and thanked them before moving on. 

I went to the bathroom, took a leak, washed my hands and went back into the kitchen to get another beer before I eventually just settled on leaning against a wall to people watch. I was among some of the other wallflowers, most of whom were people I recognized from my school. Some of them were in the drama club, discussing serious topics with their friends because this was really the only place in the entire house party where the music wasn't near deafening. I casually sipped my beer as I watched people dancing, making out, some poor girl puked all over her boyfriend mid-makeout session and it was both gross and funny. 

And then, I heard it. That smooth, low voice that never failed to send shivers down my spine. The voice that had haunted me this past year, both in my dreams and in the waking hours. 

"Finally made the big time, eh, Brat?" 

At first, I didn't want to look in the direction where the voice came from. Scared that if I did, it would have all been my imagination and there would be no one there when I finally did look. I didn't think I could handle that. Not when I had so much fucking hope in my heart that that voice was real. 

"Eren? Hello? Are you high or some shit?" 

Finally, I just went for it. I turned and looked to my right and saw painfully familiar features that I'd come to know and love after hours and hours of obsessing over them through out the days and nights. Midnight black hair, pale skin white as snow, and cool grey eyes that still cut deep into me whenever I saw them. Only this time, Levi looked a lot less tired and stressed than I remembered. He looked well-rested for a change, though he still had obvious bags under his eyes. 

"Hey," I said with the biggest smile. Probably the first time I genuinely smiled all night. Or all year for that matter.

"Hey, brat." Levi greeted fondly. "You drunk?" 

"Nah, I've only had like two beers." 

"Not even a little bit buzzed?" 

"Nope." 

"Okay, good. Well, hey, congrazzles super star." Levi said in that monotonous voice that was so familiar and comforting, paired with unenthusiastic jazz hands. 

I laughed, "Thanks. You heard?" 

"Nope. I saw. I was at the game when you guys won. You were fantastic out there, Eren." 

Hearing that just made all the pain and torture I went through in the last year worth it. Levi had seen me play. He'd seen me win. He'd finally seen me at my best. Knowing that he was up there in those bleachers during that game just made this win that much sweeter. If it was possible, my smile grew even wider. I was truly so happy that I could die in peace. 

"Ah, nah, I was alright. It was a team effort. We all played our parts well." 

"Tch, don't try to pull any of that humble bullshit on me, Eren. You made the winning shot at the end of the game that decided the whole entire fucking match. If anyone has the right to brag tonight, it's you, Kid." 

I could tell that I was probably blushing, but I couldn't bring myself to care. Levi was right. I had worked so hard, trained so hard, poured my heart and soul and every fiber of my being into winning this match tonight. 

"Alright, fine. Geez. Don't gotta twist my arm about it. I was just trying not to sound like an arrogant asshole, you know?" 

"Hn, well, don't. I wanna hear all your arrogant bragging." 

The relief I felt wash over me was indescribable. I think my biggest fear about possibly meeting Levi again was that things would never be the way they were again. That it would be painfully awkward and Levi would try to act like he didn't know me. I think that would have hurt most of all. More than being rejected, more than realizing you can never be with the one person you really wanted to be with. 

"LEVI!! THEY HAVE JELLO SHOTS! I TOLD YOU IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO COME TO THIS PARTY!" the voice that carried over the music had Levi immediately frowning. I was more shocked at the fact that somebody that loud actually existed. 

What I at first thought was a woman came bouncing up to Levi to show him the multiple jello shots in her hand, I realized that the person suffocating Levi was actually not a woman at all. At least, I wasn't sure if they were a woman. I wasn't about to assume though, so I waited for Levi to introduce us. That is, if he ever stopped glaring at them. 

"Hanji, I'm in the middle of a conversation you fucking psychotic bitch." 

Warm brown eyes turned to look at me, recognition immediately lighting their features as they grinned. Before long, I was nearly nose to nose with this person who was suddenly much too close for comfort. They seemed to be studying my face. 

"Oh my gosh, you're him! You're the--" Levi suddenly elbowed Hanji in the gut, causing them to curl forward and groan. But they snapped right back like some kind of elastic band. "You're the kid who made the winning shot that won the game!!" 

Somehow, I thought Hanji had originally meant to say something else just before Levi elbowed them in the gut, but I honestly didn't care enough to know what it was. I was more concerned with finding out what the relationship between Levi and this Hanji person was because they seemed rather close. Was this perhaps the person Levi had told me he was in love with before? It was a possibility. 

"Um, yeah, I'm Eren. Nice to meet you?" I said with a nervous smile. I wasn't sure if it was okay to call them by name or not, I'd only heard Levi call them Hanji. 

"Hanji Zoe, at your service. Gender neutral pronouns, if you'd please! I'm this little grumpy shorty's best friend in the whole wide world, right, munchkin?" 

"Ugh, unfortunately, yes." Levi grumbled.

And just like that, all my worries and anxiety had just disappeared and I felt a million times better than I had this entire year. I smiled my biggest smile at Hanji who blinked up at me owlishly. I was taller than Hanji by a few good inches, which only made me notice how much taller I was than Levi now. I'd never noticed it before, since all our previous meetings took place sitting down on a bench. Now, standing up, it was plain to see that I was definitely a good head and half taller than him. 

Hanji nudges Levi in the ribs, earning them a grunt of displeasure from him and another death glare. 

"Hey, hey, who knew the kid who made the winning shot was such a hottie up close!? Damn, Kid. You've really got some crazy good genes! Makes me wanna know what your parents look like because you are simply Mmm-mmm, delicious! I would totally have your babies!" 

I was really starting to like this Hanji person, they were a lot like Levi. Extremely blunt and honest, and I liked that. It was just such a relief to be around people who didn't bullshit around you all the time and told you exactly what was on their mind. 

"Thanks, I guess?" I laughed. Hanji seemed pleased with themselves. "Um, so what were you guys doing at a high school game anyway?" 

"What? Is there some kind of new rule that says college kids can't attend their former high school's soccer games now? I wasn't told of this rule." came Levi's snarky comment.

"What the midget here is trying to say is, we just thought it would be nice to take a stroll down memory lane! Didn't really expect there to be a game going on, let alone a championship game! Nonetheless! Glad we were there anyway! Otherwise, we never would have heard about this awesome party!" Hanji downed a jello shot, inhaling it like it was nothing. "Welp! I'm gonna go get more jello shots before they're all gone! Catch ya later, my little oompa loompa!" 

Hanji leaned down a bit and left a wet, sloppy kiss on Levi's cheek making him jerk away and punch them in the arm as they bounced away cackling loudly. I couldn't help but chuckle at Levi's expense as he wiped at the wet spot on his cheek angrily. 

"Sorry about Hanji. They mean well but sometimes they're just fucking insane. Don't know why I still hang out with them." Levi grumbled after he'd successfully rid himself of Hanji germs. 

"It's okay. I like them. Misfits are attracted to other misfits, wouldn't you agree?" 

Levi cocked a brow at me, his arms crossed tightly over his chest. I hadn't actually taken the time to take in his apparel this time, much too excited about the fact that Levi was actually there, with me, in the same room. He was wearing a thin black v-neck, probably the first time I'd ever seen him without a turtle neck or a baggy sweater. The sleeves were so long, they hung over his hands with nothing but slender pale fingertips poking out. He was wearing faded grey skinny jeans that had that nice vintage destroyed look to them, and the fucking coolest pair of steel-toed boots I'd ever seen, chains and all. Drawing my attention back upward, I noticed that Levi was also wearing a thin black cord choker around his pale neck. Over all, he looked amazing, but then again, he always looked amazing to me. 

"What makes you think I'm some misfit?" Levi asked, a smirk playing on the corners of his thin lips. 

"Please," I snorted. "If you weren't a misfit, there's no way I'd even be talking to you right now. The only people that can put up with me are other misfits like myself." 

Levi didn't say anything, simply nodded as if my answer made all the sense in the world. I mean, I guess it kind of did, but still, it was funny how easily he just accepted it without question. 

Suddenly, I felt Levi slap me lightly on my upper bicep to get my attention. He jerked his head toward the center of the house where I guess the 'living room' was before furniture had been moved around to create a makeshift dance floor. 

"You wanna dance?" he asked me, this time a smile I'd never seen appear on Levi's face before grew. It was toothy and just the tiniest bit impish. 

"Uh, yeah, ok. Can't say I'm the best when it comes to dancing but I doubt anyone will really care if I dance like crap." 

"Yeah, I definitely don't think Simon Cowell is lurking around here somewhere waiting to judge you on how badly you dance, Eren. Come on, lets go." 

"You're thinking of American Idol, not So, You Think You Can Dance." I commented with a smirk. 

Levi only rolled his eyes at me, "Do you wanna dance or not, Kid? Hurry up before this song ends, I really like it." 

I followed Levi onto the makeshift dance floor where he quite literally shoved open a spot for us. The people he shoved in the process didn't seem to notice that they were pushed at all, probably too high or drunk to care. The open spot he'd made for us was small and cramped, but when I felt the heat of his body against mine, I thanked every divine being out there.

'♪ A heaven, a gateway, a hope  
Just like the feeling inside, it's no joke  
And though it hurts me to treat you this way  
Betrayed by words I've never heard, too hard to say ♪

'♪ Up, down, turn around  
Please don't let me hit the ground  
Tonight, I think I'll walk alone  
I'll find my soul as I go home  
Up, down, turn around  
Please don't let me hit the ground  
Tonight, I think I'll walk alone  
I'll find my soul as I go home ♪

The song that was playing was retro and extremely upbeat, which resulted in Levi and I just sort of doing whatever the beat of the song demanded of us. We bounced, we bobbed and weaved, we made complete idiots of ourselves but it was okay, because in that moment it was just the two of us in that room, and nothing could ruin the elated mood we'd set between the two of us. Levi was opening smiling. Well, it was more like a smirk than anything but I thought that was enough too. He even mouthed the lyrics to the song as we watched each other move to the quick, choppy beats.

'♪ Oh, you've got green eyes, oh, you've got blue eyes, oh, you've got grey eyes  
Oh, you've got green eyes, oh, you've got blue eyes, you've got grey eyes  
And I've never seen anyone quite like you before  
No, I've never met anyone quite like you before ♪

We got lost in the beat together, until that upbeat song we'd been listening too melted into a much slower one. The energy that had surrounded us suddenly mellowed out, and the people dancing around us partnered up and started swaying to the mellow beat and the haunting female vocals that flooded the room. Without hesitation, Levi and I stepped toward each other, his arms snaking around my neck pulling us flush against one another. For a moment, I had to just stare down at him because my heart was beating so fast, I was absolutely sure Levi could probably feel it against his chest. Or, was that his heart that I could feel battering against his chest? I couldn't even tell anymore. I felt like I was walking in a dream, holding Levi's waist and swaying from side to side with him.

[ (X)](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&sqi=2&ved=0CB4Q3ywwAGoVChMIkueu4ITzyAIVSW4-Ch2LEwn4&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Db0o3Awx1McM&usg=AFQjCNFMh7_fq9-Y1zN9s69ioAUg8Qek9g&sig2=MEsORdULYHrZpqRdc4fl8Q&bvm=bv.106379543,d.eWE)

Eventually, Levi broke eye contact and I felt him rest his head against my chest, his ear right against my pounding heart. At this point, I didn't even care if he knew how I really felt about him anymore. I wanted him to know-- needed him to know how I felt. How I've always felt about him since the very beginning. And we swayed, back and forth, side to side. Just letting the flow of the music take us. The feel of Levi's body in my arms, against my own body, our warmth mingling together. His familiar scent all around me. More Lavender than cloves this time and maybe even a hint of sweet pea. I loved it all. Wanted to drown in it for the rest of my life if I could. 

"That's fucking disgusting, dude." I heard someone say from right behind Levi and I. "Dancing with another guy like he's a chick? How does that even work? Fucking Faggots just need to go and die." 

I know I shouldn't have let it bother me, because I heard douche bags say shit like this all the time, but never had it ever been directed toward me. I wasn't angry for myself, more than anything, I was angry that this guy even dared to say shit to Levi. I didn't care if someone called me a faggot, or told me to kill myself, but Levi didn't deserve that. 

"Hey, dickwad. If you don't fucking like it, then just don't look. Ever thought of that, genius?" surprisingly, Levi was the one who responded first. He hadn't changed position, with the exception of him picking his head up from my chest to crane his head to the side to look at the fucking bigoted idiot who was talking trash behind us. 

"Hey, cock sucker. Why don't you shut your fucking mouth, I can smell your cum breath from over here and it's fucking gross." the guy sneered right back. 

I was getting more and more incensed by the second. I wanted nothing more than to punch this fucking guy out for talking down to Levi. From the corner of my eyes, I could see that we were drawing a little too much attention from the rest of the crowd. 

"That's funny because I thought that was the smell of your mother's cunt." Levi snapped back, and the guy's face turned redder than a cherry. 

Around us, the rest of the crowd was snickering at Levi's burn about the guy's mother, but nobody was bothering to take sides, which I wasn't sure was a good or a bad thing. At least Levi and I weren't getting ganged up on, yet. 

"You little fucking queer! I'll shove my foot so far up your ass and you'll probably fucking love it, cock slut!" the guy took a step toward Levi and I and I immediately tightened my arms around Levi's body protectively. If this mother fucker was going to come at us, I was going to make sure Levi wasn't in harms way. My entire body was coiled up tight like a wound up spring and I was ready to jump into action at any second. 

"Hey, your foot would feel a hell of a lot better than your small dick anyway." 

What happened next was all a little bit of a blur. Everything happened so quickly, but I'll do my best to remember the events as clearly as possible. After Levi's final provocation, the guy started charging for us, and as I had braced for impact, Marco was suddenly standing in front of the both of us, trying to calm the situation down. In the distance, I could see Samuel, Marco's boyfriend, looking a bit mortified that his boyfriend was getting involved in this scuff but he didn't bother to help either. 

The bigoted fucker didn't stop once, even after Marco had stepped in front of us. Next thing I knew, Marco was punched right in the face and was sent tumbling to the right of us. In that exact moment, Levi and I finally separated and I went straight for Marco, hoping to shield him in case that fucker tried to go at him again, which I was more than sure he would. Somehow, I knew that Levi had gotten the guy who attacked Marco into a headlock. How the fuck he did that, I wasn't even sure and I regretted missing how he did it but that wasn't important at the time. 

"Marco, are you fucking stupid? Why did you do that? I could have taken that guy on my own no problem!" I scolded him. 

Bruised and a little bloodied, Marco still managed to smile up at me and all my anger turned into concern. 

"I couldn't just stand by and watch my friend get hurt, Eren. Besides, consider it payback for all the times you took a beating for me." Marco said with a strained laugh. 

"LET ME GO YOU FUCKING FAIRY! I'LL KILL YOU!" fuck-faced douche bag yelled as he struggled against Levi's head lock. 

"Not a chance, moron." Levi grunted back. 

I was getting ready to get up and help Levi out when a voice shouted across the room and everybody immediately shut up. I knew that voice well. It was the same voice I heard screaming on the soccer field whenever we scored or whenever a reff carded us. 

"HEY!" 

Jean suddenly came limping through the crowd that was parting and separating for him. He was leaning some of his weight on a single crutch that was tucked underneath his arm with one of his legs wrapped up in a cast. His expression as he came through the crowd was simply murderous, and it was all directed toward the piece of shit being held back by Levi. 

"Heh heh, Jean! Dude, come on, help me out, yeah? You and I can take these three fags and teach em a lesson!" the guy struggled to say with a smug grin. The grip Levi had around the guys head tightened, I could tell by the way his bicep flexed underneath the black material of his v-neck and how the guy coughed. 

Jean was silent for a moment or two, looking down at Marco with his quick swelling cheek and the blood from a busted lip dripping onto the sweater he was wearing. For a brief second, his amber eyes softened with concern and worry, but quickly hardened when he looked back at the piece of trash in Levi's headlock. What Jean did and said next shocked everyone there. 

"Don't you ever--" he had started out softly, his voice trembling with pure anger and rage, a sound I was familiar with. "Don't you EVER fucking touch him again! DO YOU HEAR ME YOU PIECE OF UTTER SHIT?! I WILL KILL YOU IF I EVER SEE YOU WITHIN TEN FEET OF HIM OR IF YOU EVEN LOOK AT HIM FUNNY, DO YOU UNDERSTAND!!?" 

The fury in Jean's voice rang through the eerily silent house full of people and echoed off the walls, and suddenly he had leaped forward and punched that homophobic mother fucker out in one blow, although I think Levi nearly choking him had a lot to do with why the guy was knocked out cold after Jean's punch. Either way, the sound of bone crunching against bone when Jean's fist made contact was the sweetest sound I'd heard all night. Well, besides the sound of hearing Levi's voice for the first time in over a year. 

Jean had stumbled toward Marco and I who were both still sitting on the ground staring up at him in shock, much like the rest of the house full of party goers who just didn't seem to know how to react to what had just happened. In the distance, behind the mob of people, I could see Mikasa and Armin trying to push their way through the crowd to see what was going on. 

Finally, Levi was the first person to break the thick silence. 

"Damn, Kid. You really know how to throw a fucking punch." and just like that, the ice had been broken and soon the rest of the house full of people erupted into cheers and applause for all of us, but especially Jean. 

"Marco, can you walk?" Jean asked, amber eyes back to that soft look as he held a hand out for Marco to take. 

Marco nodded, still staring up at Jean a little dumbfounded. I helped Marco up and Levi had retrieved Jean's forgotten crutch and handed it back to him. The three of us stood there and Mikasa and Armin soon joined us, followed by the rest of our group of friends. 

"Eren! Marco! Jean! What happened!?" Armin asked, voice laced with concern and worry over Marco's swollen cheek and bleeding lip. Mikasa looked simply murderous. 

"Did someone try to pick on Marco again?" Reiner asked, looking just as pissed as Mikasa. Actually, all of my friends looked pretty miffed. 

"No, some idiot tried starting shit with Eren and I." Levi provided helpfully. My group of friends turned to him, confused at first at this total stranger who suddenly addressed all of them. Mikasa seemed the least happiest out of everyone and she let it be known. 

"And you are?" she asked in an icy tone. Levi didn't seemed fazed at all. 

"Not important." was all he said. "What's important is that you get your friend over there to a hospital, or if not that, at least an ice pack for his cheek and antibiotic for his lip." 

"Bert," Jean called, drawing everyone's attention to him. "Could you drive us to the hospital?"

Bert nodded and soon Jean and Marco were hobbling off together to pile into Reiner's huge pick up truck. We all watched as the three of them left, everyone murmuring their surprise about Jean finally stepping in to protect Marco after all this fucking time. It was definitely a shock, but it was a good one. And I hoped this meant good things for Marco in the future. 

"Eren," Levi caught my attention. A slender hand curling into the hem of my t-shirt. "Let's go somewhere else. I wanna talk to you about something."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to cut this because it was getting way longer than I anticipated, soooo continuation to this will definitely be in the fourth chapter and THENNNNN the fifth chapter will definitely be the final chapter. 
> 
> Songs used in this chapter are Temptation by New Order and Evensong by The Innocence Mission! Both songs from the Perks of Being a Wallflower soundtrack! Enjoy!


	4. Why can't you just feel the way I do?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi tells Eren something important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning!  
> There will be mentions of past Eruri in this mini-chapter! I don't ship it and everyone knows it's my NOTP, but for the stories sake, the Eruri was necessary. But to apologize for the Eruri's for those of you (like me) who don't ship it, there will be plenty of Ereri in this as well!

Levi lead me toward the backyard of whoever's house this was. They had a nice, big backyard with a huge deck and seats were abundant. Levi chose to sit on one of the wooden railings of the deck, hopping up with ease and tucking one of his legs underneath him. I decided to just stay standing up, leaning comfortably against the rail Levi was sitting on top of. There was a strange look on his face, a mixture of sour displeasure and fading anger. 

"What's up? You ok?" I had to ask. I was starting to worry that maybe that whole experience was bothering more than he was letting on.

Levi must have heard the concern in my voice, because the scowl on his face slowly smoothed out into one of wan sorrow. The crease between his brows that was perpetually present also smoothed out a bit and Levi kept his eyes down on the planks of the stained wooden deck beneath our feet. 

"Sorry. I guess I'm still a bit pissed off from earlier." he shrugged, but I nodded, understanding him completely. It may have been resolved but I was still bristling over the whole incident. 

"I know what you mean. I'm still a bit pissed off myself. That guy was being such a fucking jerk. If Jean hadn't punched him out, I sure as hell would have kicked his ass myself." a humorless laugh left my throat, sounding more like a croak. In reality, I probably would have killed that guy for hurting Marco. Even though Marco probably wasn't his original target, he still got hurt for my sake. 

"Not because of that fucking idiot," Levi clarified with a look of disgust. "I meant about your little friend. He's the one that got hit, right? Marco?" 

I nodded my head for lack of anything else to say. I wasn't sure where Levi was going with this, but the regretful look in his eyes said so many things. I wasn't brave enough to ask why, though.

"Marco might seem nice and kind of wimpy on the outside but, he's a tough cookie. He'll bounce back from this. Especially now since--"

"It was my fault, Eren. I got your friend hurt because I couldn't keep my big fucking mouth shut, as usual." Levi interrupted. He sounded so angry with himself all of a sudden. I was very taken aback.

"What are you even saying, Levi? None of this was your fault. That guy would have probably ended up trying to attack one of us anyway. If it hadn't been us, then he probably would have picked on Marco and his boyfriend Samuel or some other gay couple." 

"That's not the fucking point here, Kid. It's still my fault. If you hadn't been dancing so closely with me... if you hadn't been with me at all, you probably wouldn't have had your whole fucking night ruined." Levi sighed, running a hand down his face and then up again before he was just downright scrubbing at his face seemingly frustrated with himself. "This night was supposed to be about you celebrating and having a good time and I fucked all that up for you." 

"Stop that," I told Levi sternly, earning me his attention again. Solemn grey eyes trailed slowly up to meet mine and I held his gaze fiercely. "Don't you dare fucking start blaming this shit on yourself and regretting anything we did tonight. Do you have any idea how-- how fucking happy I was to see you here tonight? After the shitty year that I've had so far? Meeting you here at this party, dancing stupidly with you and just having fun was the best thing that's happened to me in the last 365 days." 

Levi blew out a soft breath through his nose, a smile creeping slowly across his lips. Those thin, pale lips that I'd had the chance to taste once before. I swallowed thickly as I stared at them, eventually forcing myself to look back into his eyes. I couldn't let Levi know how much I just wanted to grab him by the face and kiss him until he was breathless. 

"You really are a great kid, Eren." Levi said quietly, but I still heard him say it. 

"Not a kid anymore. I'm seventeen, turning eighteen next year and graduating from High School." I grinned at him. 

A soft chuckle and a playful shove to my shoulder but Levi was quiet again. He seemed to be thinking about something deeply. I didn't dare break the silence, simply waiting for him to say something. Surely, he didn't just bring me out here with him away from all the noise and the people just so he could tell me how sorry he was about the fight and Marco. There was definitely something more he wanted to say. 

"I was bullied a lot in High School, especially my freshmen year." he suddenly said, I was a bit startled that he just randomly started telling me all this. But I kept my mouth shut and listened to him intensely. "I mean, I've always kind of been the target of bullying. I was shorter back then, just a skinny punk with pasty skin and a really bad attitude. Then when people started finding out I was gay the bullying just got worse." 

"So, that's what you meant when you said my story hit close to home." I mumbled to myself, recalling the very first time I talked to Levi in the park my freshmen year of high school. I hadn't meant to say it out loud, but I did. 

Levi sort of just laughed darkly, "Yeah, that's what I meant, but that's only the half of it." groaning a bit, Levi ran a hand through his bangs, pushing them out of his eyes but it was in vain, as his fringe simply flopped right back down to hood over his eyes. "Can't believe I'm actually gonna tell you this, but... my freshmen year of high school, I met a guy that I fell madly in love with. His name was Erwin Smith, and he was the Golden Boy of Maria High School back then. He was a Junior when I was a freshmen, Quarterback for the football team, present of every fucking club he was in, perfect grades, all that fucking bullshit." 

I gulped listening to Levi talk about his former flame, feeling that old burning jealousy return. It was no longer such a foreign feeling, now that I knew exactly how I felt toward Levi. But I still did my very best to keep my mouth shut and just let him talk. I was quite literally biting my tongue. 

"Anyway, I didn't think he'd ever notice me. Like I said, I was shorter then, a lot skinnier and just plain fucking rude and angry all the time. I got into a lot of fights, mostly with idiots who thought they could bully me because I was short as fuck but I made examples out of them. I would often go to Erwin's football games just to watch him play, but I never went out of my way to try to get to know him or anything. He was someone that was way out of my league and just too good for me. I thought I didn't deserve him." there was a look of genuine sincerity in Levi's eyes, like he'd really, truly thought that he didn't deserve anyone. It made my heart ache, seeing that look on his face. If anyone here didn't deserve someone, it was me. Levi was this perfect being to me, universes away. He was like a star, and I could reach for him all I wanted but I knew I'd never actually touch him.

"To my fucking surprise, Erwin approached me first, along with Hanji. I won't go into the boring details of how the three of us became friends but in the end, we were the weirdest fucking trio of friends at Maria High School. I stopped getting fucked with after I became friends with Erwin, and Hanji was quick to have my back on the rare occasions that I was picked on. Things were good for me, up until my Sophomore year when Erwin and all the other seniors had to graduate. I became terrified at the thought of him going off to college and forgetting all about me, and I'd been pining after him since my freshmen year. He was going to some Ivy-league college where his dad was an Alum. I knew that my last chance to tell him how I felt would be then. So, I did. I told him how I felt about him, and he rejected me. I was fucking devastated." Levi seemed amused, recalling his old teenage self, but I could tell that this story wasn't over just yet.

"But?" I pushed. 

Levi hesitated, "But... when I saw him again during the winter of my Senior year, I'd just turned eighteen and seeing him again for the first time in almost two years made me realize that I still wanted him. We started talking again. By my senior year, I'd grown a couple of inches and started taking martial arts so I'd bulked up quite a bit. I was a completely different person. Things with Erwin happened quick and fast. We had already slept together before we'd even officially started dating. That was probably the worst mistake we could have made." I noticed the way Levi's fingers seemed to twitch as fidget, and he seemed to hold his index and middle finger out as though he were holding a cigarette when there wasn't one in his hand. Probably just a force of habit, I guessed. 

"We dated for a few years, and ironically, when I first met you in that fucking park my freshmen year of college, I had just begun to realize that Erwin and I were going nowhere fast, but I was still desperate to make it work. I'd wanted this-- wanted that relationship since my freshmen in high school; wanted it more than anything, and now that I had it, I was unhappy. Erwin and I came from two very different worlds. He was privileged since birth, born into a prestigious family with a fuck ton of money and he was smart as a fucking whip, always ten steps ahead of everyone else. I'm an orphan from a fucked up family with a criminal background, broke and just all kinds of fucked up." Levi paused, he seemed to lose track of where he was going with this whole conversation, but I didn't mind listening to all of this. I was learning more about Levi in the past ten minutes than I had learned in three years of knowing him. Some of my burning questions were finally being answered. 

"Tch, anyway, I finally broke up with Erwin last year. Ironically, after I had that very interesting talk with you on the park bench." he finally looked up at me for the first time since he'd started talking, and I saw the light return in his dark eyes as that little impish smirk made it's presence known. 

"Oh, um, that thing I said back then... about it not being fair to you or him. I meant it, obviously. But now that I think about it, I've probably been the biggest hypocrite ever since then." I nervously rubbed at the back of my head, as I did whenever I felt stressed or frustrated. My hair had grown out quite a bit lately. In fact, I don't I've cut my hair at all in the last three years. Since freshmen year... since meeting Levi. "Maybe I should have taken my own advice, huh?" 

"Gimme all the dirty details." Levi sang, although it was more like a hum of interest than an actual melody. 

"Ah," I fumbled to say the right words. "Well, after that talk, in the park... I started dating, I guess. If you can even call it that. But honestly, it was probably only considered dating on my partners end. My first girlfriend said I just didn't make the effort to make our relationship work, and she was definitely right, but I didn't wanna break it off with her because I knew I'd feel guilty. My first boyfriend was pretty much the same, I didn't bother fighting for that relationship either. My most recent boyfriend wasn't even really my boyfriend, more like a frequent hook up, actually. It was stupid. I guess I'm just no good when it comes to dating people. I can't bring myself to care about anyone I date as more than just a friend." 

Levi let out a low whistle of surprise, "Three relationships in just one year alone? Damn, didn't I tell you that you were gorgeous and that people were definitely lining up to suck your dick?" 

I shook my head with a smile, "It doesn't matter if there is a line of people wanting to suck my dick. I just can't force myself to feel something for them that's just not there. None of it's real and I'm tired of trying. I just want to be with one person. The person who makes my heart feel like it's going to explode from overflowing happiness every time I see them. It's not even about physical or sexual attraction. I just want to be with someone-- the one who understands me the best and doesn't try to change me at all. I'm so tired of people wanting to change me." I sighed. "Ahhh! I can't wait to graduate next year and just get the fuck out of this place! Away from everyone!" I shouted, tilting my head skyward. 

Suddenly, a warm pair of lips were covering mine, and without even realizing it was happening, I was kissing Levi back. Carding my hands through his soft, black hair. His fingers were in my hair as well, tugging at it slightly, causing me to moan into his mouth. Levi seemed pleased with this reaction as he started kissing me with more desperation. The hunger of his mouth, as if he were doing his best to swallow me up, and he was doing a good job of it. Our tongues mingled, playing a coy game of cat and mouse, fighting for dominance, but I was just no match for him, even with all my stubborn determination. I was more than happy letting Levi dominate me though. Just like how he dominated every other aspect of my life since the day I met him. 

My heart was pounding, I felt like my blood was boiling underneath my skin, like a river of fire running through my veins. There was nothing sexual about this kiss. It was simply carnal, desperate, fierce. A thirst for the other person's warmth, their taste. I'd wanted this for so fucking long. Dreamed about it night after night since our first kiss. Wished that I could just tell Levi how I felt, hoping he'd tell me he felt that same way too and that we'd end up living happily ever after. But the world didn't work that way. It wasn't a fairy tale and I wasn't about to treat it like one. Reality was much more cruel. 

When we finally pulled away, breathing heavy and lips shiny and kiss-swollen, I saw the slight look of regret in Levi's eyes and it scared me. I'd finally gotten a taste of my own personal paradise and it was already being taken from me. It was like the first time my heart broke all over again. That familiar feeling of falling without a net to catch you, your stomach bottoming out and stone-cold fear striking you in the heart, sucking all the warmth right out of you. I was falling, and I was about to hit the ground. 

"Eren..." Levi whispered. Regret lacing his voice. I panicked. I didn't want to hear him say the words I feared the most. 

"Sorry," I laughed. "I guess I got a little carried away." stepping away from Levi, I pulled on my best fake smile and shoved my hands into my back pockets so Levi wouldn't see how badly I was trembling. I was going to lose it if we didn't go back inside with the others soon. "We should head back in. Hanji's probably looking for the both of us and my sister probably wants to murder me slowly with hugs." I joked. 

I didn't bother waiting for Levi to agree or disagree. I just started walking back inside, pretending like everything was okay, when in all honesty I was dying on the inside. I hadn't felt so horrible in all my life. I felt like all my insides were being torn out and ripped apart. I couldn't stop the trembling of my hands, so I drank a few beers to help me calm down. I don't remember seeing Levi around much after that. I caught glimpses of him every now and again. He would be leaning against a wall, watching me alongside Hanji. That mask of cool indifference that he'd had when we first met years ago in the park was back on his face, hiding every true emotion he was probably feeling. 

I felt awful and I wasn't even really sure why. I mean, I knew that I felt bad for just blowing the kiss with Levi off like it meant nothing, when in reality it meant everything to me. But I had been terrified to hear him say the words I just don't think my heart could handle. To hear him say he was sorry and that the kiss was a mistake. That _I_ was a mistake. No, I don't think I could handle that at all. I never wanted to be a mistake to Levi. Never. 

So, I got piss drunk instead. To forget about what happened. I partied and acted like I was having the time of my life when I was feeling like such shit deep down. I didn't want to be with people, I didn't feel like drinking. Every gulp of alcohol felt like swallowing bile. But I kept drinking, and I kept dancing, and I kept smiling. Because really, in the end, I just couldn't risk my friendship with Levi. It meant too much too me. And I hoped and prayed to a god I'd never really believed in before that Levi would understand. That he would just _get_ it, the way he always just seemed to get me. 

2013 was my junior year of high school, and it was also the year I'd always remember as the year I got my heart broken for the second time by the same person. By the most wonderful, greatest, funniest, coolest, utterly fantastic person I'd ever met and probably ever would meet. And I was fine with that. As long as it meant my friendship with Levi was safe, then the heartache was worth it. 

I tried to convince myself it was worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of things are left unsaid in this, especially on Levi's part. BUT FEAR NOT, MY DEAR READERS! This is NOT the end! One more chapter to go! Next and final chapter, Eren's senior year!!


	5. And You can't love Anything, Till' you can love yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren's senior year comes to an end.

Senior year started out extremely different compared to Freshmen year. We were the class of 2014, finally Seniors and preparing to exit this hell that was known to most as 'High School'. I couldn't have been anymore relieved to finally be done with all the bullshit of High School, though I knew the real world would be no different from High School and it would be just a harsh, if not more so. 

I had gotten a couple of scholarships because of my involvement in Soccer, but what came as a surprise to everyone--including myself, was the one acceptance letter I got to the one medical school I'd applied to. I'd decided I'd to please my father and myself. I would major in Kinesiology, which was kind of like saying I wanted to be a Doctor. I was only ever really good at three things, getting angry, yelling and sports. So, I figured I'd go to medical school, and if I wanted to shoot for the stars I would try to become a Team Physician or a Trainer. If I chose not to shoot for the stars? I could always become a physical education teacher. Either way, I'd be doing what I loved and pleasing my parents at the same time. It was the best of both worlds, really. 

Since that party where I met Levi again during my Junior year, my relationship with Levi had become strained. We were still friends, and with some luck, this year it didn't have to wait an entire fucking year to see each other again. I met Levi frequently at the park, where we sat at our usual bench and just talked. It wasn't all of the time. Sometimes, I'd show up at the park and he wouldn't be there or vice-versa. I probably saw him about three or four times in my senior year alone, but our conversations had taken a turn toward the dull and boring. 

He kept things casual, as did I. But for some reason, whenever we tried talking about our personal lives, things just got lost in translation and we'd end up sitting in an awkward silence instead. I didn't want to be the one who brought up anything having to do with the kiss at the part the year before, and Levi seemed preoccupied with his own college graduation. I learned that he was majoring in literature and minoring in art. He wanted to be a writer. Something I thought suited him strangely well. 

We talked about nothing in particular. Levi would occasionally mention Hanji and talk about something they did together, but for the most party, I think we ended up bitching and moaning to each other about finals and all that. Levi would joke and tell me I was going to love becoming sleep deprived in college, I would in turn tell him I was already pretty sleep deprived and that I already had an addiction to red bull, so I was pretty much prepared for college life. As the weeks drew closer and closer to my college graduation, I saw less and less of Levi, and it hurt like hell. 

Finally, it was the night before my graduation ceremony and I was restless. Whether it was nerves or something else, I just couldn't stay still in my bed nor could I sleep a wink. So, I'd decided to go for a midnight jog. I slipped on my sweats, pulled on one of the hoodies I trained with on the field and stepped into my sneakers and grabbed my phone off my night stand table before plugging my earbuds in. I put my playlist on shuffle and just started to mindlessly jog down my block, the overhead lights from the street lamps were my only source of light on that hot, dry summer night. A mellow tune filled my ears, which probably wasn't the best type of music to listen to while jogging but it wasn't like I was looking for a reason to get my blood pumping this late at night. I was looking for an escape and a solution to my restlessness and I hoped a little physical exertion would be the way to achieve sleep. A soft, haunting voice filled my ears as I jogged in the darkness. Naturally, the lyrics immediately had me thinking of a certain short, dark haired college senior.

'♪ Seen you from afar  
Wondered who you are  
Wondered what you're like  
Think you're just my type

& now I'm dreaming of you

Want you, yes I do  
Bet you never knew it  
Think you'd suit me fine  
Want you all the time

& now I'm dreaming of you

You're the one I'm calling on  
You're the one who's calling me to have it ♪'

Without my knowing it, my feet had lead me straight to the route I normally take every other morning to the park, and there-- on a familiar park bench, I saw a small figure sitting on the back of the bench, having a smoke. Feeling any trace of anxiety slip from my tense body, I slowly jogged up to the figure who seemed oblivious to my approach.

"You sure do take your own safety lightly," I commented, once I was close enough not to have to yell it across the field. "Don't you know that parks are dangerous after dark?" 

Levi turned his head to look back at me slowly, not seeming at all surprised to see me. He had a cigarette burning from between his slender fingers, the smoke swirling up into the air from his slightly parted lips and nostrils like a great dragon, curling into thin wispy tendrils until they vanished. 

"Oh, yeah. I'm really worried about possibly getting knifed by some thug in the middle of the night." he said sarcastically. "I'm not an idiot, Eren. You're ten years too early to be giving me a lecture about safety." 

I rolled my eyes as I decided to sit on the open part of the bench, aware that I was a little sweaty and Levi would probably be disgusted by that, but not really caring as I took a seat anyway. As I predicted, Levi shoved me a few inches away from him toward the edge of the bench and curled his lip up in disgust, muttering a quite "Gross." under his breath.

"Well, excuse me for worrying about your well being." I dramatically sighed. Levi only sucked his teeth at me, pulling a little laugh from me. It was strange, but it felt different talking to Levi all of a sudden. This past year, we'd sort of been dancing around each other and the playful banter had been kept on the back burner for the most part. Now, it felt like we were just having a normal conversation for once. I kept one earbud in as I lowered the volume of my music to better converse with Levi, because I had this weird feeling that we'd finally talk like we used to before and I wanted to be able to hear every word if it when it happened. 

"So," Levi drawled, taking another drag of his cigarette. "Tomorrow's the day, huh? Graduation day. Freedom. The beginning of the rest of your depressing adult life." 

"Fuck yes." I grunted with an exaggerated lip bite. "Can't wait to start contemplating my own death once the real college work starts. Who doesn't love the dirty, greasy clinically depressed look on a guy these days? No one, that's who." 

"Hey," Levi shrugged with a smirk. "I happen to find that type pretty attractive. Fuck, I'm that type of guy already."

I laughed a little loudly at that. This was the kind of thing I missed with Levi. The dumb, sarcastic, snarky comments that if heard by anyone else would probably sound horrible or offensive but to me, it was just the way Levi joked. His sense of humor was dark, morbid and quite honestly, shitty. Literally. I learned he liked to make a lot of shit jokes very early on. 

"Seriously, though? I really am looking forward to college. I got accepted into medical school. Which was the shock of the century to everyone who knows me and how much I hate studying." I snorted, leaning against the back of the bench a bit and throwing my arms behind it. Levi was sitting higher above me, looking down at me through heavy black eyelashes. 

"That's great, Eren. Congratulations. You trying to become a Doctor or something?" he asked, taking one last drag of his cigarette and snuffing it out in his own special Levi way. I noticed he always chose a different way to put out a cigarette. Today, he stubbed it out on the bottom sole of his boot before flicking it over his shoulder. 

"I guess you can say that. I mean, becoming a doctor wasn't my first choice, nor was it what I thought I'd ever see myself doing. I'm only really good at sports. But I'm going to be studying Kinesiology so, it all works out." 

"Sounds exciting. Way less boring than sitting around and reading old as fuck books all the time, huh?" 

"I think the fact that you're trying to become a writer sounds exciting. At least you have a goal. I'm just trying to please my parents and make them happy." I shrugged, toeing at sneaker at the cement. My playlist started playing a new song, a song that was just as mellow as the last as I realized it was by the same artist. 

"Nah, I wouldn't call wanting to become a writer a goal, per say. More like, I'm just trying to choose the career choice I'll regret the least." Levi clarified. "Much like you, I'm only really good at a few things. Fighting, pissing people off, and writing Crime/Thrillers." he smirked, with a waggle of his eyebrows and I slapped him playfully on the knee. 

"You're such a dork." I chuckled. "I mean, sure, you look all mean and intimidating at first. Especially when you where all black, but you're the biggest adult dweeb I know." 

"Hm, well, I try." Levi hummed. "And I resent being called a whale penis." 

"Levi!" I barked out a laugh that was much too loud for this hour of the night. "Dumbass, you know what I meant!" 

"No. No, I don't know what you meant, Eren. Enlighten me." Levi slid off the back of the bench, taking a seat next to me which surprised the fuck out of me because I was still a little sweaty from my jog over here. He was leaning in so closely, I could feel the heat radiating from his body onto my bare arms. 

Then, I felt the cool touch of one of his fingers running gently over my hand. He was softly caressing my pinkie with his own, intertwining them. I sucked in a shaky breath, because it was happening again. I didn't understand why Levi kept doing this. He had such an effect on me, it was scary how easily he could just disarm me and how easily I could just give in to him. I wondered if this was just some kind of game to him, teasing the cute little high school senior who blushed whenever Levi so much as stared at me too long. Was it just him seeking a sort of creature comfort since his break up with his old boyfriend, Erwin? I just couldn't understand it. 

[ (X)](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CBwQtwIwAGoVChMIw5WQ74X1yAIVyBs-Ch0HDABM&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DPDJPpG8e4n4&usg=AFQjCNEn2f8aJtEFbylcX78iuBVPVZYjDg&sig2=TFVylHH95dusEMhw0sJ2Xg&bvm=bv.106379543,d.eWE)

'♪ You should've seen by the look in my eyes  
That there was something missing  
You should've known by the tone of my voice,  
But you didn't listen  
You play dead, but you never bled  
Instead you lie still in the grass all coiled up & hissing ♪'

He just kept leaning in, closer and closer. Sharp grey eyes were trained on my lips, that I kept licking and chewing out of sheer nervousness. He would occasionally flick his gaze back up to meet mine, but I'd immediately look away and feel my cheeks heat. He was just too close. I could smell the cloves on him, traces of some kind of lemony scent and then the lavender hit me last. A smell that just never failed to make me weak in the knees.

"Levi..." I whispered in a shaky voice. 

"Eren, do you like me?" Levi suddenly asked. And I was thrown off quilter. 

"W-What? Of course I--" 

"I mean, do you like me in a romantic way? As in, do you like it when I kiss you? Feel anything at all whenever I touch you? Do I make you nervous?" 

I stared at him, hesitating to tell him my answer because I was terrified. If I lied, then I'd regret it for the rest of my life. I just knew I'd never be able to live with myself if I lied. But, if I told him the truth, it could easily be the worst mistake of my life as well. If I told him those three words-- three words I'd been dying to tell him for the past couple of years or so, there was a good possibility that he'd reject me and I'd end up losing everything, including his friendship. I was scared. I was really, really scared. My eyes were drawn downward from his eyes, to his lips. I wanted to kiss them so badly.

'♪ & I know all about those men  
Still I don't remember  
Because it was us baby way before them  
& we're still together  
& I meant every word I said  
When I said that I love you I meant that I love you forever

& I'm gonna keep on loving you  
Because it's the only thing I wanna do  
I don't wanna sleep  
I just wanna keep on loving you ♪'

But I wasn't a coward, and I wasn't a quitter. I'd lived my life all these years by simply rushing into the things that I was afraid of, facing them head on and coming out of it a better person for it. This was another fear I had to face. It was a risk I had to be willing to take if I ever wanted to be able to live with myself, whatever the end result may be. I would not regret never telling Levi how I felt. So, with a dry gulp and another lick of my lips, I parted my lips to speak.

"Yes," I whispered. "Yes to everything. But I don't just like it when you kiss me, I love it. You have no idea the effect you have on me. How much you terrify me and thrill me at the same time and it's so confusing." 

Levi surged forward, crashing our lips together and it was like a breath of relief when he did. We melted so easily into each other, quickly becoming a mess of tangled limbs and hands fisted in hair and clothing. Heavy breathing, desperate tugging and pulling and it was just a chaotic mess. When we finally pulled apart, it was with great reluctance. But Levi had something to say. 

"Why didn't you ask me?" he mumbled against my lips, his warm breath fanning over my face. As if sensing my confusion over his question, he clarified. "Why didn't you ask me how I felt about you after that kiss last year at the party?" His eyes were desperately searching mine, one hand fisted in the back of my shirt while the other one was still tangled in my hair, cradling my head. 

"I--" pausing to swallow and try to find the right words, I discovered that I couldn't. "I just thought that wasn't what you wanted from me." I finally just said without thinking about it too much because it was truly how I felt. "I thought that if I told you I had feelings for you that you'd just think they were a bother and you'd stop talking to me and I-- I didn't think I could handle that." I felt a lump forming in my throat, because finally, I could tell Levi everything I'd been holding back all this time. All my fears and worries that kept me up during the long, lonely nights. Once the dam had been cracked, the floodgates opened and I just couldn't stop myself from rambling. 

"I didn't want to lose this. The talks, the stupid snarky comments, the laughing. Everything! I was terrified of fucking everything up! And--and-and--"

"Tch!" the familiar sound of Levi sucking his teeth stopped me from going any further and when I looked up at him again, he was smirking. "Fucking selfish." he mumbled before letting me go altogether and sitting back down in his seat properly leaving me a little confused as he took up a nonchalant position, one arm thrown over the back of the bench and his legs crossed. "Did you ever once stop to think about how I felt? You really are just a dumb little kid, Eren." 

Immediately frowning, I shot up from the bench and pointed an accusing finger at him. "You fucking jerk! What are you all smug about, calling me selfish and a dumb little kid!? I never told you how I felt _because_ of the fact that I thought about how you'd feel about it!" I couldn't help it. I was upset so I was yelling. 

"No, you didn't. And you _are_ a dumb little kid because if you weren't, you would have known that I've been in love with you since your Sophomore year." 

"... HUH!?" 

Levi was still the epitome of cool, calm and collected as he sat on the bench casually picking at his nails after he'd just dropped the bomb of the century on top of me like it was no big fucking deal. No big fucking deal at all that he just told me he's been in love with me. _ME_! 

"Remember that day we met for the second time, right here at this bench? You were wearing your new Letterman jacket, we talked about how you made the cut for the soccer team and then you told me to tell you my problems because it was payback for me listening to your problems the first time. That was the first time I kissed you, right? Or did you already forget about that as well?" 

"NO!" I denied vehemently. "But what does that have to do anything?" 

He sighed in annoyance, "It has to do with everything, smart guy. The person I told you I thought I was in love with while I was with my then current boyfriend? Remember that?"

"Y-Yeah...?" 

"I was talking about you, junior. Get it now? I mean, why the fuck else would I have kissed you right after telling you about that? It should have been a little obvious, if not a little creepy that a twenty year old guy was confessing his love to a fifteen year old kid." He paused, seeming to think about something. "Now that I think about it, fuck, I totally could have gotten arrested for doing that shit. What the fuck was I thinking?" he mumbled more to himself than anything but I heard it clear as day. 

Then, I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I started laughing hysterically. Losing the ability to stand, let alone breath, I somehow ended up on the cement on my back clutching my aching sides as I continued to laugh and laugh over this whole situation. 

All this time, I'd fretted and stressed over something I completely misunderstood. I really was a dumb little kid for not seeing all the signs sooner. Levi wasn't exactly a subtle person, and looking back at the hints he left now, it was so fucking obvious but that just goes to show how dense I could be when it came to romance and relationship stuff. I thought I was the only one who had been suffering all this time, but it turned out, Levi was drowning in his own turmoil as well. He was just more upfront about it than I was. 

Once my laughing fit was showing signs of subsiding, I propped myself up from the ground and wiped away the tears that had formed in the corners of my eyes from laughing so hard. I still had a huge grin on my face, but that was unlikely to change at any point in the near future. Levi stood up from the bench, walked the couple of steps to where I had rolled off to and crouched in front of me. He was frowning at the dirt on my clothes and the strands of grass in my hair. Lifting a hand to pick them out, Levi ended up just stroking it in the end after all the grass had been removed. 

"Hey, Eren?" he called softly, his eyes locked with mine. 

"Hmm?" I hummed back happily in response. 

"Wanna be my boyfriend or what?" he had a smirk on his lips as he asked this, already leaning in close to kiss me again. This time, I met him all the way. 

"Definitely."

\- -

_♪ & I meant every word I said  
When I said that I love you I meant that I loved you forever... _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's it! THE END! Thanks for reading this random, dumb thing I suddenly decided to do, everyone! I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing these two dumbs! Probably my favorite Ereri story I've done yet! 
> 
> Songs used for this chapter were **Dreaming of You by Cigarettes After Sex** and also **Keep On Loving You by Cigarettes After Sex** which is linked in the chapter!

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this turned into a multi-chaptered thing in the end. Probably gonna go through Eren's years in high school by chapter. I'm thinking this thing will be like five chapters, max. But could be four. Not sure yet. I'm totally just winging this, guys haha.


End file.
